Many of us walk around saying and doing things that we aren't even aware of. But what does it mean when we notice something in others? We all have the friend that won't stop talking about themself and doesn't ask you any question about your life. Or we get frustrated with the parent that nags us at the other end of the phone? Maybe your partner isn't fully present when you explain your story? What you start to spot in other people tends to reflect an unhealed, unsimulated or unbalanced part of yourselves. So within in so without. As above, so below. Whatever you are experiencing in your external reality is going on inside of you. You can try as you might to fix things on the physical plane, but until you bring harmony within, you will never have the satisfaction you genuinely crave. You might blame your job, your mom or your friends for not giving you what you need or doing the things you expect them to do, but this won't help. You will get trapped in your trigger, repeating the victim blame pattern until you heal that part of you within.
Here's a practical example from one of my clients who started a business. As she shared her message with her social media community, friends and family, many people met her with confusion, resistance and misunderstood what she was trying to offer. I asked her, how does that make you feel? She replied exasperated, "Like no one truly understands me!"
I then asked..
"Do you feel like you truly understand yourself? Do you know who you are and what your message is?"
She paused, then a bit perplexed, she answered, " I guess I don't..." Next, I asked if she felt like spending some time understanding herself would help with her relationships? She agreed it would, so I walked her through the following visualization exercises. Try the activities for yourself below, or you can listen to the guided meditation here.
For this activity, you will need about 20 minutes of quiet time, a journal and a pen.
Let's see who is underneath all the shame, blame, guilt and victim mentality.
Envision a younger version of you. Maybe in your childhood bedroom, treehouse/fort or in your favorite place as a kid. Greet your inner child with a hug and loving embrace. Let her know she's safe with you, that you will take care of her, and want to get to know her better. When you feel comfortable, ask her what her favorite things to do, see, learn and create are? What lights her up. Listen to her, feel her, see what she wants to show you.
Now visualize you are in a dark room, that it's just you and a large projector screen. You are watching a highlight reel of everything that has ever sparked something in you. Maybe it's a book, helping others, dancing, creating, music. Think of something that is the opposite of a trigger; think about people, places and things that have made you feel at home, safe, expansive and expressive that you lose yourself in the flow of.
Living in integrity means living by your own internal values. These can be different from your current religion, community, work or even family and friends. It's essential to be aware of your own inner guidance system. Check-in on these often; as we go through different growth stages and cycles, your core values can shift. Take some time to think through what you value in yourself and others.
Write down a list of 10 things you appreciate about others (role models, family, friends, boss, leaders etc.) These should be people you look up to and would want to embody these values. Next, write down ten things you value about yourself. Now take a look at both lists. Are there any that overlap? Condense your list, and feel free to add any other values that come to mind.
I value speaking my Truth
I value respecting and listening to others
I value expansion
I value connection to the Divine
Keep a list of your values in a spot you can see every day to become engrained and top of mind. Once you are clear about your values, it makes decision making easier. Is this decision aligned with my values?
Place your hand on your heart and breath into your chest; feel your heartbeat on your hand. Listen to the harmony you produce within.
Feel into things you are grateful for.
In a relaxed position, think of something, someone, someplace that you really really care about. Maybe this is human rights, animals, sustainability, honoring our elders, solving problems for others, organizing, leading. Spend some time appreciating what you care about.
Now, write down a list of everything you thought of.
Close your eyes and take three deep breaths. Imagine you are getting ready to embark on your perfect day! Nothing is stopping you, not time, money, travel, work or other people.
Now that you have worked through the exercises, use the blank graph below to write down a few of your key takeaways.
1) Do you see any correlations or common threads from all the categories?
2) Do you feel like you have a better idea of who you are underneath your trigger?
3) What are a few things you can do next time you get triggered? How can you remind yourself who you REALLY are?
Are you looking for guidance and support to work through your triggers? I offer 1:1 coaching and courses.
Comment below with what resonated or if you have any follow up questions.
Much Love Always,
Shannon McAlister | Educator, wifey and conscious mama who is practicing mindful living + appreciating the everyday magic!